Soldier Statesman

If you’ve listened to the witnesses
At trial for John Edwards
And concluded trust, integrity
And honor all were dead words

If you think all politicians
Are deceptive rank and rotten
I challenge every one of you
To learn about Tom Cotton

He worked his parents’ cattle farm
From when he was a lad
Not many cattle farmers
Get from there to Harvard Grad

His legal practice put him
In a comfortable position
But when we went to war
He joined an infantry division

When in a crisis, duty calls
Some special heroes heed it
So when the country’s done with war
I reckon they should lead it

I know no better resume
For any politician
Than honorable service
Through enlistment or commission

They risked their lives and futures
So that we could live in Peace
What profits then their sacrifice
If we turn in to Greece?

And so they doff their camouflage
And don a three piece suit
It’s just their kind leadership
Both parties should recruit

Good soldiers do their duty
And they never leave their station
We thank the and support them
As we make a better nation

Turning Apple Trees to Kindling

I’ve made minute inquiries
And a score of detailed queries
But never put much credence
In conspiratorial theories

Rather I’ve determined
To observe and to construe
Objectives of the left
By what they say and what they do

And what they’ve done is clearly
By the day and by the hour
To build a bigger government
And consolidate its power

As if to prove my point
You’ll find the evidence you seek
By studying the actions
Of the DOJ this week

Now, growth's been hard to find
No matter where a person looks
But one place sales are up
Is in the downloading of books

Apple’s making money
So are publishers and writers
What better time to regulate
And unleash the indicters

Amazon’s discounting by a buck
Or maybe two
I guess the folks at Justice
Don’t have better things to do

It’s not like global warming
Which we’re all about to die from
I think consumers know enough
To pick which place to buy from

Excuse me if this sounds like
Sophomore Civics for beginners
It’s not the job of government
To be out there picking winners

It’s not about collusion
Or a profit or a loss
It’s government asserting
Just exactly who’s the boss

So if you make a profit
Prosper, flourish or produce
Someone from the family
Will come by to get the juice

UN Conventional Wisdom

As Richard Nixon said one night
You win the party on the right
And then he said, with no dissenter
You win the nation at the center

So strategists, for decade stretches
Inscribed that on their Etch-a-Sketches
And Nixon’s dictum was respected
When all the data was collected
Through all the slogans, sung or shouted
His strategy was never doubted

How can I say, without attack words
This year I think it’s all basackwards
The leader, if you get my gist
Is happy as a centrist
The challengers I’m certain seem
Just a little more extreme

But to succeed election night
You can’t just be Obama light
The nominee must pivot right

The pendulum has started swinging
And when Brunhilda’s finished singing
The country which seemed so divided
Will show which side with which they’ve sided

So, in your Book of Wisdom, enter
That side is surely not…the center

We will Not Comply

I’ve railed at least a dozen times
And written more than several rhymes
Assailing them as frauds and fools
Those bureaucrats and all their rules

Who think they can improve the nation
By writing one more regulation
Limiting our right to choose
The kind of light bulb we can use
The colors we can paint our cars
The wood we use in our guitars

I’ve watched them work and hoped that each
Would show, at last, their overreach
The moment we could all anoint
That took us past the tipping point
Beyond the self-appointed czars
And subsidized electric cars

The flaw that made the mirror crack
The last straw on the camel’s back

Despite the way their flacks have spun it
I think at last they’ve gone and done it
For thanks to some new regulation
On farms across our noble nation
Because of what the Feds have done
A father cannot teach his son

Or else he’s subject to the powers
That set the rules for wage and hours

Now, this would have been quite a blow
To Ben and Hoss and Little Joe
I’m sure they would have shown defiance
By demonstrating non-compliance

So this must be our battle cry
A motto voiced by You and I
A star to set our conscience by…
We will not comply !

Getting there from Here

I think they lay awake at nights
Working on inventing rights
And after all the work is done
They’ve come up with another one

They have to ‘cause the times are tough
The Bill of Rights is not enough
10 Amendments ? Hardly any
10 Commandments? 10 Too Many

For when a choice is called a right
There is no field on which to fight
No power to whom we can turn
We’re only heretics to burn

But if we all agree to play
We dodge the wrath for one more day
And coldly slip into our place
Like Pluto on the edge of space
A dimming spec amid the void
Inconsequential planetoid

There’s one way friend, and only one
To find your way back towards the sun
One way you can defeat the night
The way
The truth
The light

Prayers for Chardon

I’ve walked the streets of Chardon
And bought maple sugar candy
From a girl behind the counter
Who went to that High School
Like her sister did
Like her mother did

I bought hardware
At a hardware store there
And the stranger behind the counter says,
“You’re married to Jean’s daughter, aren’t you?’

I went to the DMV there
For my mother-in-law
And I was done in ten minutes

I played miniature golf
At a sweet course 3 blocks from The Square
Where they hold tournaments
And sell Slim Jims and ice cream cones at the counter

Littleton is a name
Chardon is a place I’ve been
I’m sorry Littleton
I prayed for you
But not as hard as I should have done
As I do
For Chardon

Oh Lord, it is a shock
When 9/11 happens on your block.

Andrew

Well, he was no summer soldier
Where he fought was hard and cold
His manner? …less than gentle
His words were always bold

Andrew was a leader
And we happily played the chorus
When something needed saying
We let Andrew say it for us

Well, the contest isn’t over
And the system still is broken
So in honor of his mem’ry
We all need to be outspoken

When the moment calls you
Never turn your back and run
Gladly face the challenge
It’s what Andrew would have done

For he was no summer soldier
And the battles never cease
With the others who defend us
Let us pray he rests in peace.

Randon Rhymes

When ere I write my poetry
I try to have a theme
But with this one
I think I’ll row
My conscious down the stream

There’s so much to provoke me
That I assure you, verily
No matter where I row my boat
I won’t have done it merrily

The payroll tax agreement
I wish they had rejected it
Because they never cut the tax
They just won’t have collected it
And when the money they didn’t get
IS all doled out and spent
Everyone will wonder where the lock box went

The president has stated
And repeated sans seccession
Th’economy’s the worst it’s been
Since the Great Depression
Perhaps when he was speaking
He wasn’t listening, …cuz
Now he says he didn’t know
How bad it really was

Our government inspectors
Those clever little foxes
They snuck a regulaton in
Accessing our lunch boxes
Now, I am law-aiding
And by no means a meanie
But no one from the government’s
Gonna look at my pannini

Oh what a week this last week was
If ere there was a week
I fear we’ve all been rowing
Down the drain or up the creek

State of the U nion

Because it’s wise to scrutinize
The nation’s apparatus
Once a year the president
Reports the union’s status

He stands before the congress
Which is a fitting forum
And they receive his message
With appropriate decorum

They clap for all his programs
And laugh at all his jokes
And cheer the founding fathers
He randomly invokes

Though at the peroration
Just half the quorum stands
For, alas, the other half
Is sitting on its hands

But every leader honors
This peculiar institution
It is, of course, required
By that pesky Constitution

These speeches run together
And tangle in my head
I swear I heard Obama say
What Jimmy Carter said.

He thinks we don’t remember
It sets my blood to boil
Every time he mentions
Merit pay and foreign oil

And then those tax incentives
I’m sure you heard him pitch
But don’t take those deductions
If you happen to be rich

I want to watch the broadcast
With rectitude and pride
And hate it when I scare the cat
By shouting out, “You lied!”

Perhaps the next commander
Will see that it’s exped-ier
To skip the whole oration thing
And work with social media

Fired Up

The outlook is improving
And I hear Home Depot’s hiring
However, there are people
We must still consider firing

There’s several I can think of
Who should have a lot more free time
Starting with that bureaucrat
Who books Obama’s tee-time

And others I’m convinced, at least
Deserve a cut in pay
Starting with all zealots
Who work at the E.P.A.

And if I were elected
I’d pass out some cigars
Then start the reformation
By dismissing all the czars

And though I know that cutbacks
Tend to cause a lot of stress
I have a plan to decimate
The staff at I.R.S.

I’d can that new department
Aimed at “helping” the consumer
And then I’d send out pink slips
To Pelosi, Reid and Schumer

I’d scrutinize the records
Then make it a requirement
Whoever gave Solyndra cash
Accept early retirement

If you sold guns to drug lords
That merits a suspension
And if you lie to hide it
Whoops! There goes your pension

It hurts to lose employment
Believe me, I remember
But I live in hope that someone
Gets his notice next November

Happy New Year

New Year 2012

I think you folks will all concur
The year gone by has been a blur
It seems October pumpkins still
Are resting on my window sill
For time, I’m certain has been bended
I swear, last week, the summer ended
I went and met my kids new teachers
And Pujols hit one in the bleachers
My savings hadn’t been depleted
The Cleveland Browns were undefeated
Herman Cain was all the buzz
And Corzine knew where his money was

Another 12 months have been squandered
As if I, through a wormhole, wandered
And so I feel I must make haste
Or put another week to waste
For I have now but one directive
To pen a rhyming retrospective
Then close by hoping for our host
And listeners from coast to coast
That fate and fortune might conspire
To give you all the you desire
And when the champagne corks are popped
After the crystal ball has dropped

I pray for you by all that’s holy
That time may pass a bit more slowly

So taste the feast and sip the wine
But save a glass for Auld Lang Syne

Is this any way to pick a candidate?

Some folks think that we’re heading down
A freeway to disaster
Under the direction of
Some evil puppetmaster

A hidden hand that seeks to break
All bound’ries and each border
Inexorably establishing
Some creepy new world order

These folks conclude we’re powerless
To thwart what it devises
And see the hidden hand behind
Their candidates’ demises

For those who shout , “Conspiracy”
I pose to you this query…
How can you see a master plan
Where I see chaos theory?

A candidate soars in the polls
Then blunders, gaffes and stumbles
A lead thought insurmountable
Within a weekend crumbles

A war chest grows from day to day
Deposit on deposit
And then some half-dressed skeleton
Emerges from the closet

Now some expect the outcome
Of these regular upheavals
Will find the process elevates
The lesser of two evils

While others see a savior
Snowmobiling to the rescue
A governor who’s currently
Out hiding in the fescue

It’s possible the outcome
When we gather in convention
Will be a politician
The Great Mentioner didn’t mention

But all this won’t deter us
From our main objective, Shall it?
We’re sure to have a winner
By the 37th ballot

A Psalm for the Psuper Committee

When I was young
I had this thing
I thought that compromise was king

And I would go
That extra mile
To, meet, retreat or reconcile

I didn’t live life the wheat from chaff way
I’d meet the other
Fellow half way

But now I sing
A dif’rent song
A thing is right or it’s plain wrong

And so I stand
To meet this fight
For raising taxes just ain’t right

For truth is truth
And facts is facts
A dead deduction
Is a tax

They say
When there’s so much at stake
There oughta be some give and take

But then when times
Get worse that rough
They’ll say we didn’t give near enough

And things wouldn’t be
So bleak and dire
If we’d let them raise taxes higher

We’d better be
As hard as nails
Or woe betide us when it fails

Don’t make a deal
You’ll soon regret
Take a stand and get a set

For virtue ends
And freedom dies
When good men start to compromise

Veteran’s Day 2011

When you stand to pledge allegiance
When you hit your knees to pray
For our past and for the future
Thank a veteran today

With a feeling deep inside you
With the flag that you display
With respect and admiration
Thank a veteran today

We all know that Freedom’s precious

But there is a price to pay
For the ones who pick the tab up
Thank a veteran today

When calamity approaches
They are there to bar the way
For the safety that surrounds you
Thank a veteran today

For the peace within our borders
For a place the kids can play
For the things we take for granted
Thank a veteran today

For the families behind them
For the soldiers far away
Find a way to make a difference
Thank a veteran today

If you hear someone insult them
Don’t ignore the things they say
Let them know that you’ve got their back
Thank a veteran today

From the mountains of New Hampshire
To the sands of Santa Fe
Let them know how much we love them
Thank a veteran today

A Poem of Scandals

As sure as rain’s in Spain
And there’s some wind in them thar willows
I know we’re going to learn
Each politician’s peccadilloes

The papers and the blogs contend
To post the morning’s stunner
All aimed at undermining
Who’s perceived as the front-runner

It happens every year
Just as the days succeed the dawns
To make it to the end
You’d better know who mows your lawns

I’ll give you sound advice
Just as once Joseph gave to Pharaoh
Never eat a salad
That was picked by a Brasero

If someone that you work with
Seems particularly charming
Think about a new career
Like poetry or farming

The polls will keep ascending
Until you reach a lofty perch
Provided you ignore the things
Your pastor says in church

Perhaps we should pick candidates
By Natural Selection
And wait a million years till
One evolves to reach perfection

I know to be despairing
Is considered quite a sin
But I can’t help obsessing
On the things that might have been

If only Gov’ner Christie
Had been just a little smaller
If only Herman’s wife had been
Well…just a little taller.

Tarzana Rant

They say,” To the victor belongs the spoils”
But I say, to the spoiled belongs the victory!"

They put stuff in our cigarettes to make us smoke

They put flesh on the internet to waste our time

They put flavor in our food to make us hungry

But we’re on to them now

Together we have seen the light
Together we have seen the truth
Together we will make the future
As we chant our beloved mantra

“It’s not our fault!”

And if we say it long enough ,we will believe it.

And we will be saved

We grew up crying
And we cried until we got what we wanted
And if we cry loud enough, the government will give us what we want
For we will be the government
And we will give the government our taxes
And we will give the government our guns
And all the guns and all the taxes will be ours
For we are the government
And everything we need will be in grabbing distance then
(to quote Denver’s most famous poet)

We will turn our back on war
We will turn our back on famine
We will turn our back on disease
And because we don’t see them, they will not exist

And we will finally have the resources to live in a city with a sufficient number of public restrooms, somewhat emptied by low-flow toilets, dimly lit by compact flourescents, moderately warmed by non-fossil fuels, and barely nourished by exclusively organic crops

Ignorance is the active ingredient in Socialism

Regulations

Despite the constant chorus of
Small business protestations
Everyone in Washington
Is making regulations

On everything from lightbulbs
To bovine flatulations

Our SUVs are way too big
Our thermostats too high
They legislate and regulate
And we all must comply

They monitor our movements
Our e-mails and our text
I hesitate to speculate
On what they’ll tackle next

Before they put restrictions on
Our toe jam, sweat and phlegm
I think we ought to drop a few
Decrees on top of them

No costly perks
No perky clerks
No overdrafts, no franking
And if you tweet your private parts
You get a public spanking

No quoting your opponent
Unless they really said it
No voting on a brand new bill
Unless you really read it

No feeding at the public trough
From now until futurity
Your Pension Plan, I hereby ban
Enjoy Social Security

No island-hopping missions
With trading delegations
Where nothing is accomplished
And seem like paid vacations

Your fawning staff
We cut in half
And please don’t think me callous
You’ll still get your prescription plan
But just not your Ciallis

For those who think my edicts
Deserve disdain and slander
Remember when your goose is cooked
It’s time to stuff the gander

A Religious Test

I stand upon a perfect sphere
And gaze at the horizon
With nothing there to mar my view
Not building, bridge, or bison

I know there must be more
And I am sure you will agree
Beyond the smallish segment
Of this sphere that I can see

Then someone comes along
And asks me if I’ll take a pledge
That I know for a fact
Exactly what’s beyond the edge

I hesitate a moment
Then I softly say a prayer
And confidently state that I am certain
Something’s there.

Though what lies out there beyond
I never saw or laid a hand on
I know that it exists
For it completes the sphere I stand on

Each Sunday afternoon
I dedicate…about an hour
To a humble meditation
On this world’s transcendent power

I listen with attention
To the parson, priest or preacher
Reflect upon a man whose closest friends
Called him, “The Teacher”

I’ll attend with dedication
For as long as my knees bend
To get closer to the truths
That I may never comprehend

To understand a person’s soul
And measure them thereby
Never ask WHAT they believe
Rather, ask them WHY

Poems from the 9/11 Broadcast

The following poem about people who serve in the armed forces during Peacetime was a collaboration among the listeners to Hugh Hewitt's show who submitted bits of verse and personal stories. As Tarzana Joe, I tried to tie their reflections together. We did the project poem in August of 2011. Peacetime was about to end.

Peacetime
It can still happen as before
The threats may wane but never cease
Should we be sure in time of war
So they must serve in time of peace
For peace is such a fragile place
And such an easy thing to lose
A flash of lightning in the sky
A whispered rumor in the news

So who are these who volunteer?
Who give a day and then a year?
And then their lives by their own choices
Let us listen to their voices

We hump the boonies clad in green
We grunts who keep our honor clean
We stand in line; we do a job
We take our place for the good old mob

I signed up when I was 20 but knew it when I was ten
I wanted to be a soldier and serve like the fighting men
My father used to mention when he spoke in that certain way
And broke out the old mementos, on the 4th weekend in May

I was sent there to watch the ballots
On a cloudless, stifling morn
I was there at the birth of a nation
I was not when my son was born

I lost a dozen friendships; it was something I couldn’t explain
Why would a woman want to and what would a woman gain?

I have no foe to conquer but I’m keeping my rifle clean
I polish the brass and buckles and fight off the old routine
I don’t see the rocket’s glaring or the dawn’s revealing light
I just stand at my post and whisper, “Not here, Lord. And not tonight.”

I was on the plane that faltered
On a deck in a pitching sea
The printed my yearbook picture
Yes, America, that was me

They had no though of glory won
Just duty seen and duty done
The souls who serve in Peacetime
Is there a spot where I may sit?
A place where candles can be lit
To those that die in Peacetime
There is no monument it seems
For those who lose their breath and dreams
The souls we mourn in Peacetime
They’ve given more than their fair share
We offer them this simple prayer
God grant them Peacetime

By Tarzana Joe and the Hugh Hewitt audience


4 Questions
By Tarzana Joe
Spring will never come again
No April without pain
Each April the Emancipator's
Slain

Brothers, will there ever
Be a seven in December
When our sons will not
Remember? Remember?

November never passes
Unless I shed a tear
Year after Year after Year

And never in September
Will I look into the sky
Without asking the question
Why? Why? Why? Why?

Spoonerism Poem

Allow me to tell you a foly hable

The story of brothers, Ain and Cable

Now Cable lived life serene and mellow

But Ain was an angry and fealous jello



Ain wanted everything Even Steven

Just like their parents Ad and Even

But Cable had things a bittle letter

While Ain stitched up fig leaves, he swit a netter



Soon Cable’s slood ran in the boil

Ain shuffled him off this cortal moil

Now just as the next day had begun

God cried out for his savorite fon



In the sinning of man, God was well versed

He sought out Ain, but he weared the forst

“God, why do you think that Cable’s dead?

For all you know, he’s Bill in sted



“You know that Cable’s a heavy sleeper

And what am I anyway, my kother’s beeper?”

God put Ain out of the Arden of Geden

Despite the brother’s cries and pleadin’



Now here is the moral and hear it plain

Do nothing to merit the Cark of Main

Remember your lessons from Sunday School

And always live life by the Rolled in Ghoul

A Ban on Bans

Our overreaching nannies
Are sitting on their fannies
Hatching clever plans
And plotting lots more bans

It sets their hearts a’flutter
To banish guns and butter
So like Savonarola
They’ve come for Coca Cola

And in their righteous zeal
With joy they can’t conceal
Say, “ If we can we should
It’s all for your own good

They’ve stripped the glue from stamps
And incandescent lamps
Which changed the world like fire
Are now like a pariah

If San Francisco Councilpersons get their wish
Aquariums in town will be bereft of fish
Now in their wildest dreams even the reddest commies
Never saw the need to confiscate Gouramies

Bloomberg and his ilk
Might seek to outlaw silk
For in the clearest terms
It’s unfair to the worms

Well, friends I’ve had my fill
I’m drawing up a bill
With an attached exhibit
Of stuff we must prohibit

Stickers on our fruit
And Congressmen who toot
The colleagues who defend them
I know just where to send them

If it were up to me
Reality TV
I’d banish and consign
To some abandoned mine

Those loud and vulgar ladies
I’d send the straight to Hades
And stack on distant shelves
All shows where people weigh themselves

From now till I’m departed
My friends I’ve only started
I’ll make it my life’s mission
To outlaw…prohibition

I Wish I was a Congressman in D.C.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

I will be so focused
I’ll start right now, today
Assembling credentials
To fill out my resume

And this will be the method
That daily I pursue
I’ll do the very things that I’ve heard
Congresspersons do

I’ll make a lot of money first
But won’t pay any taxes
And then I’ll take some photos
Where I’m not wearing my slacks-es

I’ll obfuscate and prattle
To hide my true beliefs
But let the country know
If I wear boxer shorts or briefs

I’ll write some regulations
And say that I’m all for ‘em
But in my private life
You know that I’ll ignore ‘em

I’ll get myself a roommate
A fine upstanding fellow
Then let him use my condo
To run a nice bordello

I’ll live the Life of Reilly
Just like a little Caesar
And if I’m short on money
I’ll just reach into my freezer.

I want to be a Congressman
I want to oh so bad
I hear it is the best job
Any person ever had

Memorial Saturday on Wilshire Blvd

The scouts arrive at 7
A simple ceremony
Shorter than you expect it to be
The flags are given out
And each scout finds his line of stones

Press the flag into the ground
Read out the name on the marker
Salute

86 thousand times in the morning
86 thousand times

As if a rich spring rain has brought the flowers out
Old glory blossoms everywhere at once

And next year, they will return at 7
The time between has passed as if we only slept the night

And boys are men
Coming here again
To have their names read out
Saluted by a scout

Unarmed

Those with sensitivity
Have been a bit alarmed
And feel restraint’s required
If someone is unarmed

Perhaps the legendary DUKE
Depicted it the best
“Fair is Fair” and “Face to Face”
The Code that Won the West

So that the cause of Justice
Endures and stays unharmed
I’d like to give a tribute
To those who died unarmed

The stewardess
The passenger
The child in her embrace
Who didn’t know the enemy
Or wrong him face to face

The fireman
The file clerk
The guy from out of town
Who couldn’t plead for mercy
Before the walls came down

We stand with all the innocents
Wherever they may be
And praise the strength and justice of
United 93

I don’t know every nuance
Within our Constitution
I don’t know where they’re written
The Laws of Retribution

But when the scales of Justice tilt
And need a little fix
To put them back in balance
Just call on Seal Team Six

Holy Thursday

I am sitting at the table
Waiting for dinner to be served
It’s a big traditional spread
Someone brings out bread
It looks good but I’m told to wait for the blessing

It’s been a great week.
The crowds were big and steady
Why can’t we eat, already?

We’re all here but we’re waiting for Him
And no one seems to know the hour He’s coming

Wine is poured; but again, I’m told to wait for the blessing

Then He comes in; He says a prayer and finally we eat
(Someone says something about feet.)

Everyone is talking and having a good time
Until He says, Tonight, I will be betrayed by one of you.”

And suddenly, I am certain that he is talking about me.

-Tarzana Joe Easter 2011